The Madness of the Mad House

It’s been a long time since I blogged and this post is long overdue. The sea is finally clam and resting before the moon starts to shine again. I am not going to get all philosophical but what I am going to get is a bit psychological. My first year degree exams are over. The frontal lobe of my brain is full of psychology and exams and essays and lab reports and stats and the rest of the palaver. Now the sea is calm before the tsunami.

I am back at work full time for a couple of months before I take the bird read kingfisher to India for my wedding. All those people who blog reviewed Kingfisher airlines and warned me, it’s in my gene to not learn until I see it with my own two eyes.

I work in a mental hospital. I didn’t expect any change in circumstances in the 3 months gap I had, but I am officially declaring that all the insane are still no sane’er since I left St Ann’s. First day back and I see my Jamaican insane right in front of the hospital in his very coloured shirt giving traffic directions towards the ‘NO ENTRY’. Oh I am home…Bliss…

I have many friends here and I am talking about the insane ones. We have the guy at the canteen who uses the plastic knife during lunch time to shave. And of course bakes beans is his shaving foam. The lovely stud boy who stands on the gates and tells each and every single one on foot that he had big “tools” and the rest of them who just says hello and the minute you accidentally turn around and say hi your stuck for life.

I have reached my destination again. . . Oh life is a Bliss…

AbsoF^8$*nLutely Relaxed

New Year resolution or not, I have restarted revisiting the local leisure centre. I need to look slenderly thin yet curvy on my wedding day, for myself! So I have started eating healthy read rabbit food read leaves and nuts, going to the gym and several keep fit classes and also to improve my skin and complexion sauna and steam bath. Like always my partner in crime is with me and I mean full on, maybe even more than full on as she is looking to book herself into the adult swimming classes for women only.

Well, in one of these Friday nights where we get a chance away and alone from the men , who are constantly on a mission to wreck the peaceful lives that we previously had , we decided to make it a point to indulge in two hours of complete relaxation and nirvana. My buddy being a sauna virgin was extremely curious but not even a glimpse of nervousness on her face.

Me: Ok babe, put the bikini on and lock your stuff away in the lockers!

She (that is her name, SHE): Oh right, but Aishu, I am so conscious of my little bulge near the left thigh and also my tummy flab which is quarter of an inch protruding compared to Kate moss’s! (For those who do not know Kate Moss, She is a london based supermodel who is the third time running winner of Miss Anorexia , by the world Anorexia society)

Me: Just get bikinied and let’s do what we came to do she!

She: ok, ok, but I haven’t shaved my legs yet!!

Well, basically after the one million questions and predictable answers, we are out seeking nirvana!


The steam room: As soon as she steps foot into the steam room, ‘Gosh, its steamy and hot in here’. For statutory reasons I cannot type what I said in reply to that. As she was blahing on about her thigh and quarter of inch projection, through all the steam we see a big figure and butt naked. She pours a whole bucket of water over the seating area and plunges herself on their. My poor friend wouldn’t take her eyes of the big figures big chest! I start saying in Malayalam, “you see She, the thing about black people’s bodies is yea... They seem to have big ….” And she stops me “I feel good, I love myself”

I knew we were going looking for Nirvana, but she attained it that quick. She was going for multiples of whatever she was feeling! “Oh look at that one, she must still be wearing Girls bra”, “oh will you look at all that cellulite”, “And madam thinks she is Miss world with a stomach looking like Buddha” And it went on, My girl was having the best time of her life and I wont deny it, our night of Nirvana turned into bitching, hardcore bitching about how much better we were. It’s sometimes nice to bitch about something other than the above mentioned men who are wrecking our lives.

In the hot dry Sauna, she didn’t enjoy anything by me putting burnol on the backside after accidentally burning herself by sitting on the most obviously marked hot wooden seats.
By Jaccuci time my girl was happy and relaxed and said to me “ Dasa, Nammukee bhudhi entha pandey thonanthey” to which I replied “ ellathinum athinathintethaya samayam undu vijaya”

After two hours of steaming, scrubbing each other, Indian woman accusing of perving on her boobs, washing , oiling, cleansing, toning and moisturising we had done it. We were relaxed, when we got outside and the wind hit our faces, we looked at each other and we knew it! With a peck on the cheek she said it with the biggest grin, Bring on the vodka! and I had one single reply to that "AbsoF^8$*nLutely"

Red Light DrugDerDam

My first holiday out of the UK without the whole Mummy and Daddy thing was quite a plunge in the bloody deep end of the sea. Pimps, Prostitutes and that too plenty in number, drugs of all sorts. Magic mushrooms?? Oh yeas, Indeed I am told one of these magic buddies could be fatal. This place that I have been to has opened my eyes to the strange but open realities of life. The first thing I thought of was imagine them young teenage boys from India who get a rush on watching shakeela. If this came across them they would.. Okay I will leave that bit open for everyone to comment.

The Sex Show: Right, before anyone rushes into any judgements. This is one of the highlights of the place, having secured the cheapest one available (£25 per person) I couldn’t believe my eyes when the show started. You could see everyone excluding kids in there, granddads, girls, families, hen nights crews and of course Men. I still have not come into terms with fact that some thing like this could happen live and it’s LEGAL?? I was much more interested in the audience more that what was on stage. By the end of it, I wanted to do an in-depth research on uses of human Saliva, If I could use it for something say, medicinal or some sort, I would make a business proposal to the owner of Moulin Rouge, cups to all men, drool on to it and on departure you get £2.50 back. I would move to the country and become filthy rich and would never even have to worry about of going bankrupt. In this I have faith in the opposite sex, the drooling never ending drooling. Men will always be men.

The coffee shops: Well, the coffee shops are not coffee shops. You go in there and a big looking guy with red eyes, normally one eye smaller than the other will show you a list. And this list has all the different sorts of grass that is available to smoke. Basically coffee shops offer ganja, and one can use their premises to roll it, boil it or eat it. I see no worries on anyone’s faces. Everyone’s chilled out, happy and relaxed. The policeman walks in and buys some stuff from the big guy with one small eye. So ganja smoking is absolutely legal.

The red doors: Absolutely recommended for Men. I watch a lovely looking blonde in well, she has hardly got anything on; ‘come on in, I show you special time for just 50 euros’. Out of pure curiosity I try look inside, I see a bed with all sorts of things lined up next to the bed. My mouth still wide open out of pure disbelief and shock I ask, ‘Raj, these girls are actually….? Before I complete the question he says, Yep... that’s right Ash.’ duh*** No wonder they are looking at me in disgust, I am distracting one of their possible clients, Rajesh!

Now that I know what happens in this little country in Europe, I am born again. I would definitely recommend this lovely place to one and all, especially ladies. You get to see what the fuss is all about! For all the boys out there, it would be like a herd of desert citizen cattle released into endless grassland. I would like to dedicate this post to Mr K K K Subramaniyam who was the inspiration behind this holiday trip.

Life From A Tagged View!

My blog mate, Ann has tagged me. So here goes. Ann, you better be happy about this and I dedicate this post to your exams. Does that make sense?!


1.LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN A THEATER?

Gulp, Ok I will admit it, I don’t remember!!

2.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
‘Hullabaloo in the Guava Orchard’ by Kiran Desai. Don’t know why, but I can relate to some of the stuff that our hero Sampath does!

3. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?

Monopoly and of course snakes and ladders. Monopoly, because I love money, Snakes and ladders, it’s the board game version of the story of my life!

4. FAVORITE MAGAZINE?

Anything that would be helpful in times of boredom!

5. FAVORITE SMELLS?
The smell when first rain’s hit the earth. Nostalgia…

6. FAVORITE SOUNDS?
Rain on the windows! Nice

7. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?

When I think about all the mistakes in life!

8. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE?
I need to find myself a good husband!!! I wonder what ‘she’(my best mate) is doing!!

9) FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
Nandos all the way!!!!!!

10. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME?
A palmist reckons I will have three boys, (sigh, the story of my life) so I have named the first one Aditya. I don’t know why this is!!1

11. FINISH THIS STATEMENT. "IF I HAD A LOT OF MONEY I'D...?
Buy that Mercedes CLK 63 AMG convertible with tinted windows, black metal alloys and private number plate. Buy few properties all over the world and enjoy my life!! ‘she’, u with me!!!

12. DO YOU DRIVE FAST?
Ammaaa, some one asking me whether I drive fast?!! Do I? Ok get back to you later!!(:O)

13. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?
I have many on my bed, but so far I haven’t slept with any of them…..yet!

14. STORMS-COOL OR SCARY?
I haven’t seen a scary one yet, not that I want to. But cool!!

15. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?

Ford Fiesta

16. FAVORITE DRINK?
Vodka and red bull all the wayyyyyyyyyyy!!

17. FINISH THIS STATEMENT, "IF I HAD THE TIME I WOULD

pen my life down! Not pin it down!

18. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS ON BROCCOLI?
Nah ah..

19. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD BE YOUR CHOICE?
I would dye it jet black from the dirty brown it is!!

20. NAME ALL THE DIFFERENT CITIES/TOWNS YOU HAVE LIVED IN.
Trivandrum, London

21. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
He he he, that is getting a bit dodgy there! Ok, I watch cycle race…what do you say!

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU.
She is one crazy nutta, Just like me!

23.WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?
Socks from god knows when, plenty of loose hair, Bank statements that I am hiding from my father, the list goes on and on!!

24. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE BORN AS YOURSELF AGAIN?
Yes, with a secret in my mind from the day I am born!

25. MORNING PERSON, OR NIGHT OWL?
Can be both, but more of a night owl, not for studying though.

26. OVER EASY, OR SUNNY SIDE UP?
Either depending on what I am feeling!

27. FAVORITE PLACE TO RELAX?
Oh, Kerala!! Beautiful!!

28. FAVORITE PIE?
Apple?

29. FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
Vanilla, M&S clotted cream Vanilla ice cream.. Christ, shower your blessings.


30. OF ALL THE PEOPLE YOU TAGGED THIS TO, WHO'S MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND FIRST?
I aint tagging anyone so, no one. I am a miserable git!! That’s right!

That FanF****inTastic Theory Test!

Recently I have been to the driving Standards Agency to do a test! In order to do this test, I would have to provide my licence and counterpart of it! It is a requirement. I hate to refer back to my mother so much, but I am left with no choice. The woman keep all my paperwork and surprise surprise, she is a very bad record keeper. With all due respect to her, her memory is substantially disturbed. I go through the same procedure to get a sanction on release of my documents from her.

Me: Amma, I need my Licence counterpart (It could be anything from a hair straighter receipt to a Premium bond Certificate)

First step is blatant denial

Amma: What counterpart, I don’t have it!

Once I receive this response, I exercise a long, precise and hard stare.

Amma: You never gave it to me, why can’t you keep your own stuff! How old are you? Never ever give me anything anymore

This is the point where I bring out my diary saying the date and time I handed the document over to the amnesia sufferer. I have this new practice in place because; she has denied receipt and possession of many of my documents which are normally found by her at a later date.

After hours of going through each and every folder, she hands me my counterpart and spills out this dialogue

Amma: I am not going to take any more stuff from you as of today. I have given it to you and you make sure you don’t forget it when you go to the test!

Ahem, and the big day comes up. Test at 1.45. I started revising for it at 10.30 in the morning as I had done this once, it just expired. High way codes and all that crap is not really my cup of tea. I thought I would score to pass, SOMEHOW! I get there at 1.30, I am happy as Larry. With a big smile, I say to the receptionist I say, ‘hey, I am here for my theory test’. She greets me pleasantly and says’ Oh Hello, let me take your licence and …. Bzzzzzz. I did not hear the rest, I knew the rest. I forgot that Counter bloody part!!! I live half an hour away from the test centre and there is no way I am going to make it back. I explain to that little Madam at reception who firmly says, ‘Miss Kurup, I will give you until 2pm. Please don’t come in after that.’

I rush down to the cab office and said, ‘Listen mate, I don’t have time, I must get back before two and I am going all the way to barking ….blah blah’. I hate to repeat this out here, but Guess what the Eastern European Cab driver said to me’ Oh goodhh afthernoon Maadam, How are you thoday?. I said, ‘Just put that foot down and drive’! “Buth where thoo (to)”. I screamed and he said, Okay okay! The rest was all filmy, extremely filmy. Only instead of turning back to look at the Villain following in a Tata Sumo,I was looking at my Watch, my villain on that day. The man was driving like his butt was on fire and mind you; I was indeed sitting on the rear seat. People were beeping, he was jumping Traffic lights, and I haven’t seen this kind of driving since my ..well. my last driving test! He got me back to the test centre at 1.55pm. I opened the door and he goes, ‘ Maadam, goodh luck’. I had these in mind! Have a closer look at them!!

I did the test in a rush and was very optimistic about failing my test and guess what, I passed like a geek on exam frenzy. I was shocked with the marks!! I went down to the cab office to say Thanks and then the man goes to me, ‘ Maadam, I newu that you wouldh pass’. I was literally tearful. So that’s how I passed my theory test!! Again! ( he heee)

P.S Sorry have not been blogging for a while!! But I am back now for a bit of time! J Happy Easter to one and all!

Deeply frozen, Ghost and Tzp!

Shreya may be curvy, but shakeela isn’t. When I started putting on weight, I went through a phase with all famous Amma where at stage 1, she said, well Shreya is curvy. Now that I am at stage (very uncontrollably fat) she uses, shakeela, we can’t call her curvy can we? To cut it short, I have been working out. Hard…Saturday from about 6.30pm to about 8pm, I was exploring all sorts of stretches to press ups to sit ups to shershyasana. (I was trained in yoga from a young age of 14). Sunday morning 11.30 am, I woke up, Nope , not moving, but I need the loo, nope, not moving. My legs are paralysed. I must have ripped every tissue, ligament, that tendon bugger. Veins ok! I can feel the pain, they must be ok. Monday morning, still in pain!! I have to go to work!

Deep freeze

Your instant solution to all sprains aches and pains.
Outside temperature 6 degrees.

I am not commenting on the rest. But, I am alive !

God of Small Things: After so many years I finally got to read her book.I don’t understand what the controversy is all about.If anything, I felt that she was thought provokingly brave!I thought it was a very sad story told in a very subtle way. I loved her deep insight on small things. A friend made a comment on Ms Roy as a psycho and in reply to that. ‘Give some names of a few male writers from your area, eh?’

Tare Zameen par: The reason why I watched this film was because of all the blog reviews from co bogglers. What an amazing film! I am spreading the word here. Do not miss! Amir Khan defiantly needs to add special thanks to * All bloggers who supported TZP* with his acknowledgments.

A Buddhist Perspective on Vegetarianism

I have always admired vegetarians. Extra respect goes to homosapians who were once non vegetarians and have turned from red to green. Being in the midst of a transgression is what I call a very trying period. And I am in it now.

My aunt, ex Hindu but now turned Buddhist had influenced me to join the way of life. As much as I love peace and quiet and meditation, I do appreciate a piece of the ambiance created by the Indian “drums and saxophones”. Her husband and my uncle who still shares the same religion as me has apparently been pushed to the side with the Hindu gods. Visiting her house recently gave me feelings of a shock absorber. From incense, to oil burner to chanting. I always thought she was a bit..um...diametrical(read weird). She choose to have a rat and a bird (b£$ch parrot had bit me numerous times) as a pet as opposed to ....something like a dog. She chooses to do ballet when she was advised to do Bharathanatyam. She drew naked woman’s pictures, instead of the cell diagram. So it was merely an issue of amazement when the rest of the family heard the news. “Mini has turned Buddhist”.

“Um hm, no? So it’s ok, if I am a non vegetarian kunjama?”

“Of course, Buddhism is not a religion; it’s a way of life. The principal is that you can do anything you want as long as you know the consequences.”

Damn, this is good. I can do what I want. I gave a good ear to the stream of information which followed. Chittapan, by this time had said… “Out of all people, you…ay....never mind. Mini, are my Hindu kids in bed yet?” Our eyes followed as he walked to the stairs. “So like I was saying, come to a meeting next time. You might even get lucky and get to meet Orlando Bloom, like I did.”

“Kunjama, from this moment, consider me as one of you.” My mind fully concentrating on ‘Nam Myoho Renge Kyo’ for the next couple of hours

The inspiration and motivation started wearing down with the M25. By the time I got to Barking from Windsor, I was feeling the least of Buddhist. With the next Saturday visit to the temple, I confessed and promised Mr Lord Shiva, who resides in kailas avenue that I would never even think of changing God and let alone religion.

But I started giving some serious thought to the option that wasn’t a compulsory requirement for anything. I can still taste the salmon my lovely mother fried for dinner tonight, but with that aroma and taste in my mind….pause……pause…. I am going vegetarian. Now, whether this will end up like Mr Bean on holiday, only time can tell. Buddhism might be a way of life I was swept into (for a short period of time, okay very short period of time), vegetarianism is the way of life that I want to experience for a considerably amount of time. So Nandos, Mcd’s , KFC , Amma’s currys and fry’s and most important of all my meat curry….sob sob, with all the appreciation in the world for all these years of extravagant food experience, I Thank you. And Good bye!

To be continued….
Look forward to more exciting articles like: How I turned back (not 'my back')to being a non vegetarian!